Feelings from 2003

My greatest fear in relationships is the complacency and monotony that ultimately leads to boredom. Complacency for me causes separation; admittedly I am usually to blame. I can't fathom the hurt I have brought upon women because I can't change my ever expanding nature to up and leave, to seek the next great conquest, to find more of the world that surrounds me. Above all I fear I may never be the settling type. I change so often, there may never be someone who will not stifle me in my road to self realization. I've been asked "why I can't join you in this discovery." Personal discovery, to me, is an individualistic task to be taken on alone. Was Magellan ever remembered for his dutifulness to his wife, or Lewis and Clark for their loyalty to their women? Was John Muir remembered fondly as a great husband or the man who mapped Yosemite and the Sierra Nevada? What happened to the romanticized "Rambling Man" or Jack Kerouac as the Lonely Traveler? There are few but mot many of you that can tell me Kerouac's wives names and how many there were. The truth is it isn't important, he inspired generations of young men to seek the unfamiliar and discover themselves in the process. I will tell you there were plenty women and most didn't last long, not to sat he didn't know love. Where have all the hitchhikers gone? There is an instilled nature in a man to leave his mark this world and for me that does not seem possible with someone texting me to call home every five minutes. We as men have been robbed of this drive to find the world by present day corporate propaganda to tie us into debt, mortgage and a 9 to 5. The modern day man has been forced into government regulated marriage, credit card debt, joint bank accounts, divorce lawyers and custody battles. I am sickened and fearful of these things. Why should I adhere to principles set forth by greedy men who probably hate their wives and abuse their mistresses?

The dichotomy this brings into this modern man's life is the drive to preserve his own species and carry on a family name of which obviously can't be done alone. Man is not an asexual being; if he were it would be all beer, poker, travelling, pubs and golf. There would be no underhanded dates to get laid, no teenagers nervously navigating the floors of shitty dance clubs showered in Axe Body Spray, no couple's therapy, and no sacrifice. Please don't take me for an asshole, women are wonderful but if it weren't for the butt sex, dramatic fashion sense, and stolen feminist manerisms, I would be a great faggot. So where does that leave me? As I mentioned it's sacrifice. Women don't see it in this sense but that is exactly what it is. A man must sacrifice his nature to become a domesticated beast and give up his dreams.

There are also the feelings of loneliness that only serve to complicate matters. You spend too much time away from the love of a woman, no matter how superficial or shallow it is, and you are doomed to get lonely. This whole thing confuses me. I can't ask someone to wait for me until I tire myself out and have seen and done all I want to do. I stand with the decision to release all my personal drive and ambition and settle into monotony or live the life of the the lonesome traveler doomed to be alone with nothing to show but a trail of broken hearts so in one last romantic gesture this is what I propose:

Let's carve our names here on this shady old oak tree and write private notes to each other illuminating our feelings and goals for life together. We'll score our deepest fears and hopes juxtaposed with heartfelt hopes. We can bury them hidden in an open meadow near that tree and make a treasure map that will guide us to who we were then. If we're one of the lucky few that last and we make it through life's desolate trials and weather the storms of these years together, after that deep-rooted oak has seen winters and summers pass and tasted numerous different flavors of spring dew on its ever changing leaves, we can come back and see who we were and where we thought we'd be. I can show you who you were to me then and you can show who I've become. That will tell us where we are now. If we write new notes and compare the maybe they'd be the same. Maybe be they would be better, if we're in different places we leave that weathered oak tree to die and that meadow to be turned to a concrete parking lot, a four leveled parking garage for a shopping mall where you can find attractive suits and cologne guaranteed to get you a date.